What to Do When Elderly Parents Refuse Assisted Living: 6 Essential Tips

Clearly recognizing your loved one’s needs can help guide the process of determining whether assisted living is the right choice. If you think your loved one needs this type of care, it’s important to clearly identify why. Are they experiencing downsides to living at home that are damaging to their health? Some common health and safety risks to watch out for include falls, memory issues, and loneliness.

“Most people don’t start off their day requesting to move to a more restrictive environment,” says Julie L. Masters, a professor of gerontology at the University of Nebraska Omaha. “There is a reason why a move is needed. Keeping the concerns in hand during initial and subsequent conversations is key.”

Inspired Senior Care CEO Leslie Fuller, whose company provides coaching to senior living communities, has firsthand experience moving parents into assisted living. For Fuller, the process of moving her in-laws to an assisted living community began with asking questions that helped them recognize the challenges of living at home.

“I went into it with the fact that it wasn’t my decision to make,” Fuller says. “I wanted them to be able to come to that decision on their own. So, I was able to ask the right questions to get them to do the thinking and the processing.”

Starting the conversation about moving parents into assisted living can be difficult, especially if they’ve previously expressed strong opposition to the idea. However, it’s important to talk about your concerns and prepare yourself for more than one conversation.

“Checking your ego at the door is important, but so is ensuring you maintain your boundaries,” Masters says. “If a move is not an immediate need, coming back to the discussion on another day or time can help to diffuse a difficult situation.”

Fuller began talking to her mother- and father-in-law a year before they moved into an assisted living community. Initially, they weren’t emotionally ready for a move. She knew from her professional experience that it might take a health emergency or crisis to change their minds.

“We all as family members want to not have it get to that point, but the fact is, this is their life,” Fuller says. “You can’t rush them into it. It won’t be good for anybody long-term.”

Is assisted living the right fit?

As difficult as it may sound, being open about your parents’ wishes — and patient with their decisions — is critical if they refuse to move into an assisted living community. It’s important to recognize their independence and to display empathy. Fuller says adult children should empathize with the difficulty any parent will have losing independence, rather than tell them what to do.

“You have to get to the internal psyche of the individual who’s going through this,” Fuller says. “It’s not that simple.”

Your parents are likely feeling lots of anxiety about moving to assisted living. Some common reasons and concerns about this significant life change include the following:

• They’re in denial about their need for care.
• The communal atmosphere of assisted living is unfamiliar.
• They believe the environment of the assisted living community will be dreary.
• They don’t believe they can pay for assisted living.
• They could be experiencing depression from being lonely in their home.

It’s important to express that you’re discussing a move to assisted living out of love, Master says.

“Keep in mind that your loved ones may be afraid this is just one of many losses they will need to contend with now and in the future,” Masters says. “Showing your love and support lets them know you won’t abandon them.”

If your parents need assisted living but aren’t ready to make the move, building a team to support them is critical. Their care needs are likely increasing, and you want them to be safe in the meantime. The team could include medical professionals, family members, and a home health care provider.

Fuller says it’s important for families to divide care responsibilities to meet the needs of elderly parents. For instance, her husband contributed by paying bills online because the parents live out of state. Meanwhile, Fuller arranged for a home health care provider to visit the home for physical therapy.

“So, getting family members to identify, ‘What can I do to be a part of their success plan and make it manageable?’ Oftentimes, when families don’t talk about that kind of thing or discuss it, they have bad family relations,” Fuller says.

Here are just a few examples of tasks your parents could need help with if they prefer to age at home:

• Getting around the house. Whether you need to hire a professional caregiver or continue helping out yourself will depend on your parent’s mobility and safety.
• Home maintenance. You may be able to split chores and repairs with siblings or other close friends, but hiring help may become pricey over time.
• Paying bills. Consider designating a trusted family member to pay your parents’ bills to avoid late fees and lessen their worries.
• Transportation. If driving is difficult or unsafe, it may become necessary to schedule rides or sign them up for a senior transportation service.

Assisted living questions? Get expert help

A senior can only be forced to enter an assisted living community if a family member or someone close to them obtains guardianship. This lengthy and complicated legal process should be considered as a last resort, because it takes away the rights of an individual.^[01]

The process typically involves a judge determining whether the senior meets the legal definition of incapacity based on evidence of their decision-making ability. Some common conditions that may lead to someone obtaining guardianship of a senior include the following:

• Mental illness
• Head injury
• Substance use disorder
• Intellectual disability
• Dementia

However, just because a senior has one of these conditions doesn’t mean a family member can obtain guardianship. Your family could avoid guardianship by setting up a power of attorney over finances and health care, creating a trust, or developing a decision-making agreement. Again, it’s important to start these conversations early before reaching a crisis point.

If your parent is refusing to move into an assisted living community, your family can look for other types of care to support their needs. Home care and adult day care are two popular options for seniors who prefer to live at home.

Additionally, the Senior Companion Program is an option for seniors who need a friend and some assistance with daily tasks such as shopping. You can contact a local Area Agency on Aging for more information about options in your area.

“Regardless of what decision is made, whether it is to move to assisted living or stay at home until another time, an adult child needs to stay informed and involved,” Masters says. “Doing so will require time and effort, but in the long run it will be worth it.”

A Place for Mom offers resources for families seeking care for their loved ones, including this five-step guide to discussing senior living. Plus, our Senior Living Advisors can help address concerns your parents may have about assisted living.

For instance, if your loved one is worried about costs, a Senior Living Advisor can find options within a certain budget. Additionally, they can find communities with certain amenities or services to meet your loved one’s preferences. If assisted living isn’t an option your parents will consider, then a Senior Living Advisor can help your family find a home care provider to support them at home.

The services provided by A Place for Mom come at no cost to your family.